It's a bundle of unexpected whachyamacallits!

So you read up on being pregnant, you googled, you bought the book - what to expect when expecting  (that and 10 other books because they were right there at Simply Books in Nakumatt and the attendant looked at you with a judging eye when you picked up just the one book, you showed her!) you spoke to your mum, your doctor, your partner and your friends told you all about their pregnancies. But why is it that you are totally clueless on motherhood?

You spent 18 hours in labour - OK two hours because you were one of the lucky few. You lost your dignity as you screamed and panted and pushed something the size of a watermelon out of the size of a keyhole. You are exhausted, your hormones are all over the place, you are unsure, you are sore in your nether region and to top it all off, you have visitors.
Your baby is not what you expected, its nose is a bit flat, its eyes puffed up and the first poo it made was black. You have tried to breast feed but your baby doesn't want to latch - are you a bad mother??? Or are you just nervous that your uncles and father-in-law are looking at you and may catch a glimpse of an areola!

You are a ball of mixed emotions - yes you are so in love with your baby - but suddenly you realise that you are responsible for another life and oh my goodness what if you screw it up, because, if we know you, there are plenty of mistakes you have made!
The nurses at the hospital do take their time and show you how to feed, change and bathe the baby - but you freak out because this little being is so fragile they may break her and you want to be a bit protective but fake a smile because, remember, the world now judges what sort of a mother you are.
They peel the baby's clothes off, all the time keeping a heater on - a heater? Why did none of the books mention a heater?? Anyway, they peel baby's clothes off and boom, there it is a stump with a kind of clothes peg on baby's tummy - it looks raw and as though it hurts like hell - and the nurse takes surgical spirit and dabs it on the baby - you scream inside because you feel your baby's pain. Consolation: they feel no pain. Question: why didn't you know that already?

Basically motherhood throws you into a different world - you are no longer single and free, like  doctor you are always on call, like a lawyer you have to learn to negotiate, like a politician you have to learn to smile when you want to hurl abuses, like a fashion model you have to maneuver your clothes when breast feeding, like a master chef you have to whip up a meal but you know what - you can because you are a mom!
Congratulations on your bundle of unexpected wachyamacallits - it is a special journey, fasten your seat belt and be ready for the ride of your life!!